i just cant resist blogging before i head off to mug in a while.

common tests are almost over, and i finally can breathe a sigh of relief.
although i didn't mug much...well...haha.

i clearly remember how lifeless i was at the beginning of this yr,and i'm very glad that i'm getting my MOJO back! actually, not exactly, cos i felt really sad in the cab just now.
i felt like i didn't know what to say or do anymore, and i don't seem to be in control of things i would want to be in control of. especially my emotions. i really should pluck up whatever shred of courage i have left, and just freakin ask or confess, whichever way is easier for me.

it hit me squarely in the face just now, when i peered at my calender, pondering what date it was today. and then i saw a particular date, and it suddenly struck me that he was coming back like very freakin soon, and i just stoned.i felt like crying, but i can't seem to let the tears flow. i don't know what to do or say anymore. maybe i'm tired, or maybe its just the fact that i have let it rest at the back of my head. most probably its because i have gotten used to it, gotten used to the fact that i love you as much now, even though u're so far away, and that i have gotten on with my life. i don't think about it so much now, but i definitely miss you, and love you still.

love is simple, really. people just choose to complicate it. how true. call me a coward, but there are reasons to why i choose to leave it the way it is. consequences, and of course, changes. as cliche as it may sound, i would let nature take its course for the time being.
decisions are crossroads on which the path turns different ways. and it's not about doors not opening for you, it's whether you choose to open them for yourself.
making the right decision, no matter how wrong it seems to others, is important, because at the end of the day, it's you who lives with it, no matter right or wrong. i've changed into someone who doesn't dare take risks, because along the way, i've learnt and i'm very sorry to the ppl i've jacked and hurt. it's just called being cautious, and i don't see any error in being cautious, or even overly cautious. but maybe in the future, i might be wrong about myself. and i hope i do not regret the decisions i've made throughout my life.

thank you to the ppl who have stood by me through thick and thin. i am indeed very grateful to have friends who are extremely down-to-earth, non-superficial and accept me for who i am. i count my lucky stars everytime. every single time.

giving up doesn't mean that you're weak, it only shows that you are strong enough to let go. : lena-1.40am

http://www.furisdead.com/feat-simoncowell.asp

i saw the video and i started tearing again. can you actually believe it?
i can't believe such things are happening, but then again, i can. i remember the whole "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" campaign was brought to my knowledge through readin an article about the ultra-diva naomi campbell.

sigh.

i'm very very traumatized by pictures i just chanced upon while surfing the net.

it's fucking inhumane and sick, and its SCARY to know that sadistic ppl actually are inhibiting with us on the same fucking planet. fuck mans.

it's about various tests being carried out on rabbits. fucking docile and tame and harmless creatures. and they fuckin cut them up and pour substances on their eyes, burn their skins, fucking eat their meat. just TO IMPROVE THEIR FUCKING PRODUCTS? FUCK OFF AND DIE. FUCK OFF AND DIE SERIOUSLY.

one photo showed a rabbit being used in a test by Gillette company for skin irritation tests.
you know, everytime we wonder who the fuck they test these kinda new shit on?
it's the poor rabbits. FUCK.
it's TOTALLY FUCKING INHUMANE.

http://www.all-creatures.org/anex/rabbit.html

it contains very very explicit content, so yea i warned you.

i cried after reading, and i was extremely disgusted with the way ppl tortured the poor rabbits. some were even thrown away while they were alive. fucking inhumane.

URGH. hope PETA's doing their job in the US of A.

hm..very very eventful past few days.


ooh. friday! i was trying hard to recall what i did, and i FINALLY remembered.
headed to town with huzair and zhihong, and we were stumped as to what present we should buy for jason. initially, we wanted to get an Adidas jacket, but Adi told us that he received a jacket recently from his friend. so..we eventually settled on a Ripcurl leather wallet. very nice!

so after that, i headed down to clementi to meet up with hy ade and alvin for SOCCER! i love watchin soccer with frens, cos if i actually have to watch alone at home or something, i won't have the interest to carry on watchin, and i would doze off on the couch. i love the atmosphere, the feel, and i can actually feel the anxiety of the ppl who are around me watching the match too.
i just love noisy atmospheres, gives me the feeling as though i'm actually in germany watching the live matches. very very enjoyable!

so today, i set out to meet twinnie at 11.30am in orchard. LOL. was supposed to be 11am but as usual, i was late. zzz. shopped around, as usual, forever 21! hahaha. and then lunch, and i bought wrapping paper for jason's present. GOLD coloured paper! classic.

headed to serangoon straight to meet up with anthony. the matches today were really exciting!
headed to his house to slack a bit before we took e mrt down the same route, he alighted at city hall while i carried on to pasir ris.

i reached home like an hour ago bcos i was very tired and i cant stay out late nowadays. yawn.
lol. i torked to my dotters, jessie and chiaxuan, and i noted something which jessie commented on.

-solaceinyou*- love is simple,really. people just choose to complicate it. says:
i spoke abt him so well meh!
jessietheWOTY! thirteen says:
yeah really loh
jessietheWOTY! thirteen says:
he sounded like god in ur blog can
jessietheWOTY! thirteen says:
HAHA

quite funny!!!

..how can you just walk on by, without one tear in your eye..

i realised...i like nerds. :)

HAHA. those closest to me can attest to that!

had a very gd rest the whole of yday bcos some plans were cancelled, and it was alright bcos i could slack at home and let my wound heal.
and i talked to sean ang last night again, usually i don't blog about it but this time, i will bcos all you admirers of sean out there....he's not taken.LOL.
i simply don't understand how ppl can get jealous of pure friendships, really.
we talked a lot abt squash, LIKE DUH, and about clubs and stuff, cos i told him about molly asking me to go down for safra training. i trust sean alot, and i actually value his opinions and views more than people realise. well, other than coach of cors. he's really knowledgeable, and i'm very grateful to have that someone who will always clarify my doubts and fears about certain things. he doesn't have that arrogant streak which many players of his standard would carry around, and it makes him so much more approachable, and the fact that he is willing to share and help, and not complain one bit, makes others respect him a whole lot more. excellent. :)
OKOK. thats enough. thank gdness he doesn't read my blog. heh.

oh, so yea i stayed awake while waitin for one person's call -coughalvincough-, but i just dozed off after talkin to sean. ...and that alvin called me at 6+am............obviously he woke me up. duh.
so yea made plans and i couldn't sleep because i knew i wouldn't be able to wake up after that.

but i was amazed when i saw that he propped up the stuff i did for him on his shelf, of cors together with other stuff larh. at that moment, i felt very very relieved. cos maybe, i did some things right then. and im very glad he appreciated what i did for him. we've both matured into very different people i guess, so i didn't expect it too. and i can say, in a way, in quite a big way, he changed my life, and my view on alot of things. he was one of the people who helped me grow, either through just being there, or helping me up whenever i stumbled. spankiew.
oh and we played arcade together today! been A LONG TIME SINCE I LAST STEPPED INTO AN ARCADE MANS. Time Crisis 2 is still really fun!

i hate buying clothes/stuff on impulse. i splurged on 2 puma tank tops today! somebody, pls stop me before i go berserk!
and i hate it when i make a resolution eg. tidy my table tml ; study tml; blah blah etc etc, and i don't get down to DOING IT! i just get carried away by distractions. the many many distractions.

and yes, going out tml to get jason's present with huzair, and sat im meeting twinnie! passing her very belated present to her, oh yes i musn't forget the scrunchie too.
i can't play squash for at least a week, AT LEAST. bcos my wound didn't look like it healed or got any better in the past 3 days. i hope i don't get tempted to play on saturday. =]
oh yes, and i have jason's chalet on sat. its gonna be great, having classmates together again.

i don't have a song in mind which fits my current mood, so no lyrics today.LOL.


don't look for absolution anywhere else other than yourself. : lena - 12.01am.

bathing today was the hardest thing to do EVER.
i swear, having warm water splash on my open wound, it was the most stinging shit i've ever felt.
and everytime i wash my hands, JUST WASH MY HANDS, my knuckles jus seared with pain due to the bruises inflicted during the fall. URGH.
i cant squash for at least a few days, i even have difficulty sleeping so as not to accidentally turn and lie on my open knee wound. URGH URGH.

oh anyway, i was watching Oprah give away freebies, -like since when is she NOT giving away stuff- and she had Faith Hill and Tim McGraw sing a duet live. their first appearance together as a couple. they have great chemistry!
Faith had great hits, remember Breathe and There You'll Be? yeap, she's great. and their newest single is even BETTER!
im so addicted to it! it's a typical ballad, but the way both of their voices blend together, it was beautifully done.

been eating at chomp chomp for the past few days due to the sgcc tournament, and i really enjoy the sugarcane with lemon juice. very refreshing.
thank you all of you ppl for always making my day. :)
reached home pretty late for the past few days, leaving me with absolutely no mood whatsoever to sit down and start studying. but i'm thankful for the distraction, even more so it being squash.

i shall leave you all with this song, one that never ceases to tug at my heartstrings every single time i hear Faith's solid and crystal-clear vocals, one that manages to touch my soul every single time, every single time...

Like We Never Loved At All

You never looked so good
As you did last night
Underneath the city lights
There, walking with your friend
Laughing at the moon
I swear you looked right through me
But I'm still living with your goodbye
And you're just going on with your life

How can you just walk on by
Without one tear in your eye
Dont you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe thats just your way
Of dealing with the pain
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall
Like we never loved at all

You, I hear you're doing fine
Seems like you're doing well
As far as I can tell
Time, is leaving us behind
Another week has passed
And still I haven't laughed yet
So tell me what your secret is
To letting go, letting go like you did

Oh baby, baby
Maybe that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall
Like we never loved at all


...like we never loved at all.

i cabbed home just for grey's anatomy, and boy did i not regret it one single bit!
it was a recap of the past episodes, the main highlights and stuff.

the turnin points for every character, the main dialogues which changed everything and of course the scenes which made viewers go "WAD THE HECK?"

oh and i finally got to watch this scene, this one i missed cos i was in Krabi burning myself in the freakin sun.

Meredith: OK, Here it is. Your choice, it's simple. Her or me. And I'm sure she's really great. But Derek...I love you. In a really, really big...pretend to like your taste in music. Let you eat the last piece of cheesecake. Hold a radio over my head outside your bedroom window. Unfortunate way that also makes me hate you...love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me. I'll be at Joe's tonight...so if you do decide...to sign the papers...meet me there.

the desperation in her voice, her sincere expression, gosh, how could mcdreamy break up with her?! urgh.

it was a very gd recap. main points being:

burke n yang getting together, but burke dumps her even before she could tell him she was pregnant

derek pullin up meredith's collar, after which he turned and saw addison, and he said to meredith "i am so sorry", and then meredith found out mcdreamy was actually freakin married.

and when burke cuddled yang after yang went tru her miscarriage, it was so sweet. they didn't have to say anything to express themselves. i guess it applies in reality too.
like how couples dont need to say what they're thinkin. their other half knows, they just...know.

haha. grey's!

lost to jerryca today, and got myself injured in the process. yawn. cant squash for a few days i guess, sadly.

sigh, i better get down to studyin real soon, bcos i've not even STARTED! im screwd. sigh.
it's supposed to be study week, and yet, here i am slackin once again.


i cant start hating you, bcos i'm not done loving you.

it's been quite an eventful week i must say.
eventful in my terms = slackin at hy's house,squashing and eating
watched scary movie 4, which was utterly pointless and super damn lame.

went wild wild wet today with alvin and hy. it was so................i dunno how to describe it actually.
i felt so old among all the kiddos, and there were barely ppl around our age there too.
jus basically played with water for some time. haha. how fun rite. urgh.
but we were quite vulgar there, quite being the keyword bcos there were shitloads of lil young unassuming kids.

and wtf, i think my tenant is playin with her ringtone right now in her room, in the middle of the freakin night. i can hear it very clearly. omg i feel like killin her.

had dinner with my sis at night in town and went to my mum's place for a short while after that.

sheesh, i still feel chlorinated.

Light In Your Eyes has very meaningful lyrics. not sayin that bcos im feelin emo or something.

I can't remember the last time that we kissed goodbye
All our "I love you"s were just not enough to survive
Something your eyes never told me
But it's only now too plain to see
Brilliant disguise when you hold me
And I'm free

There's a light in your eyes that I used to see
There's a place in your heart where I used to be
Was I wrong to assume that you were waiting for me
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me

Cards and phone calls and photograph pictures of you
Constant reminder of all the things you get used to
Is there a chance in Hell or Heaven
That there's still something here to build on
Or do you just pick up the pieces after they fall
But after all

There's a light in my eyes it's too bright to see
And a pain in my heart where you used to be
Guess I was wrong to assume that you were waiting here for me
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me

Should I keep on waiting or does love keep on fading away
Fading away...

ok the last post was atrocious. crap, really. don't mind me.

oh and im addicted to KT Tunstall's Black Horse & the Cherry Tree. catchy!

hy's neighbour, alvin, bears an uncanny resemblance to another alvin i know. really scary.

i have a tendency to actually stop elaborating on something suddenly, like now, and switch to something else.

im damn lazy now and i need to sleep soon bcos i'm heading to hy's house tml morning.

i miss mcdreamy.

oh and i love Grey's Anatomy, did you all know that? I BET YOU ALL DID! :)

..well I'd rather you be mean than love and lie ..
..I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye..
..I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know..
..but baby don't you break my heart slow..

i got back from training jus now and i decided to blog but im really lazy so i wont be bothered to punctuate in this entry i am going hy's house in the morn tml bcos she forgot abt her keys which she left in my bag and i'm heading to clarke quay tml at 3 for a facial but i dont have the mood to go for anything actually bcos i played like shit jus now and i'm pretty damn pissed about it i dont wanna be like that on sat i might jus screw myself upside down inside out oh yes after the facial i haf no idea what im gonna do so i guess its no punctuation til the end of this entry or til i have enuf energy to bother anthony made me realise something jus now he said that i never really talk about ivan which is true bcos i dunno what to tell abt him and i dunno how to start or maybe im just plain lazy like now and yes the whole entry stil has no punctuation darling hongs hit the nail right on the head when she said that i think about him alot just that i dont mention it how true baby how true yawn im very tired i jus bathed i need to dry my hair and my legs feel like they are gonna break i hope the facial isnt gonna be pain bcos the first and only time i went for a facial at new york skin care solutions i ended up tearing it was so pain i wanted to kill the lady who covered my eyes which made me unprepared for the inevitable i swear it was painful when she started poking my skin with some needle like thing urgh it better not be painful tml and yes i tink im done typing for today thank you for causing urself to have a big bloody headache after reading and yes to everyone else who has read until here im sorry i just hate punctuations today but dont worry its jus today but dammit i miss you so damn much so damn damn much

just got home from town. yawn.
She's The Man was hilarious shit mans!

read twinnie's blog and i started laughing.
http://sugarcoatedpies.livejournal.com/
soo hwei's very funny!
the way she started opening her mouth WHILE chewing her prawns. URGH.
adorably disgusting. see! IM PRAISING YOU!

oh anyway Cars yesterday was great. it made me cry. A BIT ONLY.
i'm such a sucker for tearjerkers.

and yes, we actually talked about family and marriage. something i've NEVER talked about to anyone in detail actually. like how we want our lives to be ideal and stuff.
how lines should never be crossed, and how we should be independent even while having the other half.

and the mucks thing. it's becoming quite hilarious really. haha.
it brought back a lot of fond memories, cos i actually get lost in my own life so often nowadays that i tend to forget my feelings which have always been at the back of my mind.
i guess through time, i had to shove them aside, partly so i would not be as affected, but at the same time, always keep them with me.
when i told twinnie everything abt what used to be, the memories became very fresh, like they were just yesterday. i never managed to tell anyone how i felt, how much i love him, because maybe i didn't want to acknowledge it myself. it all became obvious yesterday.

and anyway, baoburao is funnier than mucks lor! gosh..baoburao. bao-bu-rao.

i cant wait to get my polka dotted top and my white shorts. :)

you know, i didnt manage to tell you the last time we met, i held myself back in fear of ruining what was left, but now, i'm more courageous, and hopefully, when you come back, i would be able to plainly say to you "you have no idea how much i miss you". i will say it to you, i know i will be able to say it to you. and even if you find someone in time to come, i will wish you luck as you hope i would, but i will still say it, i miss you, and i love you, more than you'll know.
but it's true, he has no idea. no freakin idea.

im officially broke, dammit!

bombed alot on a topshop halter, a show, dim sum, fish and co, popcorn and some cute lil stuff!
SOO HWEI!!!! AHHHH!!!! =(

soo hwei's my twin, as in, we're just born on the same day. heh.
she's still one of my confidantes, really.
and im glad we talked and gossipped so much jus now!
told her a lot of stuff abt ivan and i which i think i barely tell others, and of cors..she and her baoburao. feel so comfortable talkin to her, and we raked up a lot of our past which we had long forgotten...ml, km....wh.....zy...
those were the days.

we shared a seafood platter for 2, and we ate TONS of tartare sauce. and i swear the ppl around us thought we were going nuts. urgh. we did the weirdest things!
it has been so long since i actually went into a shop, tried on stuff, and asked for opinions and then ended up buying something. i lack the time and energy.
so i walked out of topshop with a pretty pink halter! :)

ohhh and we saw a very pretty polka dotted top in forever 21. it came in blue and pink, with matching dots. it was so saccharinely sweet i almost puked when i saw myself in e mirror. but it was very nice nonetheless, and we're getting it like..next wk! ooh, and the white shorts too. hee.
and we haf fetishes for shoes too. pumps, heels, sandals. whatever mans.

this is crazy!

and she got me a beautiful blue t shirt for my bday too. :) thank you.
and oops, ur scrunchie. sorry! hehe.

dinner next wk alrite!

asean junior squash finals were good yesterday though. ultra exciting!!!!
went to walk arnd for a bit then met hy ade and hy's neighbour, alvin for soccer at cine's galilee cafe. the food there is excellent really. ate like nobody's business. but the match was rather disappointing. walked around town for a while, and we caught sight of a trans prancing around along orchard. oh.my.shit. i swear it was appalling yet hilarious!
and alvin got hit on by SHIM! groped that poor guy's ass. i feel for you dude.
and the fact that hy actually spit out her heineken on both ade's and my foot when the trans kicked an invisible ball spelled out a lot. we just stoned around there and caught more tranny action. my gdness. it was so shameless it was good!

so after that show, alvin sent ade to mos and sent us home..thank you!
.........he's scary when he drives i swear. indeed hy, speed demon.
LOL. and ade and i thought it was fun! LOL. heh. sorry.

insanity has taken over. good night. :)

Friends tell me it's spring
My window show the same
Without you here the seasons pass me by
I know you were not new
That loved like me and you
All the same I miss you
Today has been ok
Today has been ok

The preacher lost his son
He's known by all in town
He found him with another son of God
Feeding on the prayer
Nevermind what God said
But love had lost its cause
And I thought today had been ok
Today has been ok
Today has been ok

Wind has burned your skin
The lovely air so thin
The salty water's underneath your feet
No one's gone in vain
Here is where you'll stay
'Cause life has been insane but
Today has been ok
Today has been ok
Today has been ok
Today has been ok

Emiliana Torrini - Today Has Been Okay

what a haunting song.lovely.

my 2 weeks study break is finally here. no more "OMG IM LATE! WTF!" for 2 wks. but i need to mug. A LOT. A WHOLE DANG LOT. better catch up, if not im screwed.
heading out on a lovely (hopefully) saturday tml. pray it doesn't rain! :)

heh. last night i watched the Michael Sandecki Clay Aiken Impersonation clip for the millionth time! hehe, i squealed like a CLAYMATE! so damn adorable CAN! his long hair and fringe..so extremely endearinggg....-squeals-

sigh, i don't like you using me to get to someone else. i really don't like it. it makes me feel small. but i don't know how to put it across to you. hopefully it stops.

everytime we think that we can't make it through a period of difficulty, we do.
faith.
i guess that's what gets us through another day. :)

having faith is believing even when we are drowning in a lifetime of doubts. - lena 5.23pm.

i know im freakin slow, i jus discovered that i can upload images!
anywayyy, isn't clay jus oh-so-adorable?
ppl pls dun puke yet...
that voice! indeed, voice of an angel...still makes me swoon every damn time he opens his mouth.

ok. im dead tired. like legs-wobbly, ass-aching, muscle-cramping tired.
in other words, SHIT ASS TIRED.
played squash for like 3 hrs +, and im done.
feel very satisfied though!
i was playin with my darling hongyu, so it was super retardurd and unglam, but nonetheless FUN!

went to amk for dinner after we decided to get our asses out of sch, and we pooled after that.
been ages since i last pooled, i cant even remember when was it!
but it brought back many fond memories of sec sch life, when i met the usual group almost everyday. pool at bukit merah safra then to ikea. it was good, really.
and i miss all of them tons.

snookerium was playin clas 95 love songs and i had a feeling. you know, that kinda feeling.
time heals all wounds, how true.

but maybe, just maybe, i'm not done waiting for you.
it's this particular feeling that made me wonder, and then i realised, i'm just not done waiting for you.

im officially 20 today. no more "no! i'm only 19+++++ (i haven decided when the + stops) "
oh well. it's been quite a disgusting day.
i'm down with a freakin bad cough, AND I HAD SCHOOL!
it can only get better, cos i'm meetin my darling hongyu tml! :)

thank you to all the kind souls out there who wished me happy birthday!
but i think the "enjoy ur day" part didnt work out as well as i hoped it would. heh.

thank you to everyone who gave me presents, and especially the squashers.
im very touched. indeed.
ooh, and i got taka shopping vouchers too! :)
and ivan sent me a card and something from london too! appreciate the effort, really.
and nothing's changed. nothing at all.
thank YOU.

i always wonder when it will all fade into nothingness, but as of today, i embrace it.

i went out with hongyu the other day, to queensway & then to town.
we chomped on IKEA'S MEATBALLS! we were happy little girls! :)
so we headed down to The Cathay for X3!
and our cam-whoring selves took over.
shared 3 scoops of ben & jerry's! and enjoyed our movie togetherr.
..oh. yea bumped into...well er...4 frens after that.
i must say hongyu LOVES TO JACK ME UPSIDE DOWN INSIDE OUT.
i have no comments, really.

hee, for photos: check out hongyu's blog!
www.the-retreat.blogspot.com



..were they wasted words, and did they mean a thing..
..and all that precious time, but i still feel so in between..